Pulling It All Together

I ate well (enough) yesterday, but I didn’t log my food, and I didn’t weigh myself, and I didn’t make it to the gym. I woke up this morning—earlier than planned, thanks to a wacky dream about spiders the size of small mammals—and turned to you, faithful interwebs, for some moral support or at least a distraction until the sun comes up.

I found a great 3-part series in a blog (here’s part 2) that could not have popped up on my screen at a better time. I googled ‘feminist weight loss blog,’ because I’ve been having issues reconciling my desire to lose weight with my anger over how society copes with me as a fat woman.

This is an oversimplification, but I’m sitting here realizing that I can’t allow my personal politics prevent me from doing things that are good for me.

I have been building a pretty strong wall with the can’ts and the fears I carry around, and I need to acknowledge those feelings and keep going. I am not betraying anyone if I lose weight. I am not judging anyone else’s choices. I am not implying everyone should join me. Losing weight will not change who I am or what I believe.

Long ago, before we were married, my then-boyfriend would often act outrageously obnoxious in public places. I would strenuously (but quietly, whispering desperately for him to cut it out now) object to his behavior, until he pointed out that I seemed very concerned with what people would think his behavior meant about me, when obviously, people were really far more apt to associate his behavior with, um, HIM. Not me.

I fear this is less than eloquent, especially after Greta Christina’s piece, but hey, I am exhausted from dreaming about these funky spiders, so I’m going to go weigh myself, record my food from yesterday, and go back to bed.

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