I’ve got some great friends. I’ve even got some great friends who share what my mother once called ‘my affliction.’
Wait—it is very possible that my mom did not actually, in fact, refer to my weight problem as my affliction. I think one similarly-afflicted friend and I just laughed about the fact that my mom probably does think about us that way. So, not fair to bash my mom on that.
Even if it is probably what she is thinking.
I think of her like the mom in St. Elmo’s Fire:
know about my daughter? So smart, went to law school, adorable husband. But fat.
OK, really, sorry!
The point I was working towards when I interrupted my own self is that while of course I have some great friends, I don’t really have many who support this particular part of my life. The fat-wanting-to-be-healthy-and-thin and blogging about it part.
They support it, of course, inasmuch as I certainly hope anyone I consider to be a friend would want me to be healthy, but perhaps what I mean when I say they don’t support it is that I’m afraid to ask them to be supportive. I’m afraid to tell them about this blog. To ask them to know too much.
In some ways, when it comes to my thin friends, I just assume they won’t get it. Some of them have made some pretty hurtful comments about other people’s weight, too, so I suspect they may have the same feelings about me.
Some day, maybe I’ll be comfortable talking to them about this. But for now, I’m trying to find a new circle of friends.
Maybe it isn’t very nice or helpful of me to admit this: very selfishly, I hope people find this blog so they will tell me they support me, offer encouragement, and cheer me on. I search the tags to see who else is trying to do what I do. I find inspiration in their stories – your stories – and am just egotistical enough to hope that you might find the same in mine.
Can I do that while staying mildly anonymous? I am finding the power to write down some of the feelings and experiences I’ve had because I’m not really public. (Isn’t it funny to feel like posting innermost thoughts & fears on the internet isn’t “really public?”)
Anyway, holler if you’re out there. I’m enjoying doing this diet as part of a group, because that’s one group of people I get to talk to each week about this process. It definitely helps.