I ate a biscuit yesterday. I planned to eat it, it fit into my eating plan, and I enjoyed it. I was thrilled that I stopped at one.
I also ate half of a small brownie. I had sort of planned to eat it, thinking I might make it the whole party without giving in, but wouldn’t worry if I did decide to eat one.
I enjoyed it, but I definitely felt something—a craving? urge? dopamine hit from the chocolate + butter + sugar?—that I recognized as the signal that my brain (or some lizard part of it) was demanding MORE.
I prepared for that. Standing at the sink, cleaning up, realizing that the voice in my gut was clamoring for another brownie, I stepped back. I pulled up my pants, which I bought a week ago and was worried were too tight. They’re not. They’re loose. I looked at my boots and thought about how hard it was to zip them up over the super-athletic left calf. I felt my cheeks, which apparently have a bone in them after all. And I grabbed a plate and filled up from this:
That’s right. Another holiday vegetable tray, this time with hummus instead of yogurt dip. I was impressed with our guests, because about half of the tray was consumed by the end of the night. I’ve been to many parties where the obligatory vegetable tray remained untouched, so good for our guests for putting a little something healthy on the plate next to the ham biscuits and pimento cheese.
The little shapes are jicama (pronounced HICK-uh-muh). I took this photo during prep so you can see what a jicama root looks like. It’s the big, brown, bulbous thing behind the cutting board, and the slice is on the cutting board next to the bento veggie/cookie cutters:
I’m feeling really good after last night. One person asked my husband if it would be OK to mention that I’d lost weight. One friend asked if I would go running with her, which I may do, although she better not be lying about how slowly she goes!
Several people asked how I’ve lost all of this weight, and thinking about all we’ve been talking about for the past several months on all of our blogs, I didn’t sugar-coat it.
It’s hard. I’ve logged everything I’ve eaten, every day. I exercise, four, five, or six times a week. I eat mostly lean meat and vegetables. I’m working with a nutritionist. There are no pills. It’s day by day.
It felt good to tell people it was hard. I didn’t want to make it look or seem easy, because I want them to understand that this is a struggle for me. I’m a little worried that part of that is because I want to have an excuse if I lapse.
But I’m also feeling good about admitting to people that some things are hard for me. I’ve always been very worried about appearances, seeming in control, and that is exhausting. That’s also part of the reason I’ve developed the bad habits like eating in secret.
I’m still not ready to tell everyone I know about this blog, but talking to them about working hard to reach a goal felt like a step toward shedding that anonymity. We’ll see.
Hope you had a great weekend. Thanks for listening. Onward!