Expecting Different Results

Well, I made it down to 78 pounds lost, but have bobbed back up to 73 lost, which is rather shocking to write out on the screen in front of me.

I’m emailing my nutritionist to make an appointment so we can look at my food and exercise logs. I’ve been watching calories, but I may need to get granular with the protein/carbohydrate/fat data to see what’s happening here.

The fact is, I haven’t done anything radically different on the eating front in the past several weeks, and these five pounds have been steadily approaching, so it is crazy for me not to try to change something to reverse the trend.

On the positive side, I’ve gotten some really nice compliments lately. Several people have told me that my skin is glowing. In my younger days, I got compliments on my skin often, so it feels nice to have that back.

On the this is going to be tough side, I’ve had a few conversations with people who I can tell treat me differently now that I’m thinner. They’ve said some fairly judging things about other overweight people in front of me in a way that shows they assume I’ve got it figured out and will never go back, when I’m downright terrified of going back, for the very reason that I now know that they will be some of the people judging me harshly if I do.

I also had a friend bring a specific dessert that I like to a dinner party because I was going to be there. I kept moving it away from me, getting up from the table, etc., but my resistance wore down. I had a tiny bite, maybe 100 calories’ worth, but I’d been tracking my food all day so know that calorie-wise (although maybe not carb-wise) I could swing it. Still, I need to stop giving myself permission to eat dessert just because someone put it in front of me.

The good news, I suppose, is that when invited to this gathering, I immediately planned what dessert I would bring, but managed to talk myself out of thinking that was necessary. I wasn’t asked to bring it, and not having a second dessert didn’t slow down anyone’s enjoyment of the night. Before, I would have felt compelled to bake something, and then would likely have been one of only a handful of people to eat it.

I’m letting stress eating creep back in. I’m not binging, but I’m finding myself getting anxious about a project and winding up with a fist full of carrot sticks or walnuts. Hardly bad for me, but the point is that I’m eating when I’m not hungry to help me cope with something else.

Sorry for this post. I feel a little self-absorbed and I’m even annoying myself. I don’t want to obsess over a setback, and I don’t want to let it become permanent, so I have to acknowledge that it is here, it is real, and that I need to do something to deal with it.

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4 Responses to Expecting Different Results

  1. Frankly, speaking as someone whose blog is about as self-absorbed as it gets, I just LOVE this post and its honest self-reflection and fears and hopes. I don’t know what to tell you about what’s going on with your body, though I do think (totally intuitively) that losing 78 or 73 pounds has to be a major stress on you and that maybe you’re going through a little ripple of settling in, if you know what I mean. In any case, I hope you figure it out soon. You’ll be fine. You really will. You’re too aware and conscious to “go back.”

    I’ve noticed some different attitudes, too, and more frequent derision and mocking of fat people. I hate it — and I hate when I don’t say anything about those attitudes. I have to work not to cover, you know?

    • Andie says:

      Thanks for the pep talk. I needed it! I managed to end the day by going to bed angry at my husband (which I told him, because why suffer alone if I can drag someone else down into it?), but today is already a better day.

  2. I think this post is fantastic, Andie! Everyone should be more honest about the different facets (both positive and negative) of a weight loss journey. Most of us (myself included) blog mostly about the positive things…but setbacks and hiccups are just as much a part of the trip. I second lovelyproject’s notion that you are far too conscious of these things to allow yourself to “go back.”

    -Erica

    • Andie says:

      Thanks – I struggle every day, which would make for a tedious blog, but letting it show every now and then helps me (& possibly others) keep it real.

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