I haven’t collapsed. I haven’t given up. I’m still in control of this situation.
It is fair to say, however, that I’m in the relapse zone. I’ve eaten without recording for several days, I’ve only been to the gym every other day, and I’m finding all kinds of ways to justify eating ‘once in a while/celebratory’ foods on an almost daily basis. What does that mean? In just the past seven days:
- Saturday night, the night that kicked it off, I ate fried chicken, drank a mint julep, and had a biscuit with a small but not so small that it doesn’t count serving of ice cream and strawberries. I didn’t get to the gym the following day, as far as I can recall. Not sure I did Saturday, either, come to think of it.
- Tuesday night, I ate dessert at a restaurant (split it, but believe me, I had a full serving and then some) to celebrate getting a new car. Didn’t make it to the gym Tuesday.
- I ate two cake balls on Thursday, a day when I skipped the gym because I was stressed hearing about a friend’s crisis that has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with me, but which made me feel sad for her.
- I ate a candy bar today at lunch. For no real reason. It was “healthy,” inasmuch as it had only 17 carbs, but I didn’t look at the label long enough to determine whether the bar counted as one or two servings.
Um, perhaps this is a clue as to why I’m having such a tough time getting my weight to start moving in a downward direction again. A really big clue.
Any one of those things, on its own, would be a lapse. You can bounce back from a lapse. A lapse barely matters.
A relapse, though, that requires some introspection and brutal truth. And while it may take 21 days, or 3 months, or some other long period of time for good behavior to become a habit, it never takes nearly as long for a relapse to turn into a complete collapse.
I’ve been doing really well. I ran into someone at the store today who told me that I look fabulous and my skin is radiant, which is a comment I’ve been getting often lately. Clothes are looking good on me, and I’m feeling strong. It is clear that this can work if I work it.
So why on earth would I sabotage myself? It’s trite, but true, we are all our own worse enemy. I need to look within and figure out what’s holding me back, what I’m afraid of, and what I need to do to turn things around, because I want this.
Since this is a little negative and whiny, I’ll add something positive and celebratory. I allowed someone to take my photo today while I was sitting in a pool wearing a bathing suit. And my body was above the water. I cannot even remember the last time anyone took a photo of me in a swimsuit, but I suspect it was high school, and I’m now in my early 40s.
So, the future lies ahead. Onward!